What are my NEEDS? How do I attain them.

Nicodemus Hilaire

It is sometimes very helpful to reflect on our needs. What do we want? What do we need and how do we get there?

Here is a model that I use myself mentally in order so that I can understand what and where I should work on. Before I show you how I personally work this out, I want to introduce a psychological concept for those who are not familiar with it. I find it extremely helpful for guidance on what to work on.

Figure 1 Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Take a moment to familiarize yourself with the pyramid in Figure 1. It is Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. This has been the most accepted concept regarding human needs in the Science of Human Psychology.

“How Do I Know When I am Ready for Love/Relationship?” is a question I am often asked.

Well the short answer without examining your unique life situation is that as soon as you have secured the Basic Needs (in red) and Safety Needs (in orange).  A common problem is that some women are prone to get stuck in relationships in order to secure the most basic of needs. I like to point your attention to the fact that it is for reasons like this that the great countries of Western Civilization have given women the ability to obtain these needs independently. I believe on a very personal level you should always secure the two most base needs BEFORE entering a relationship to completely insure that the relationship is completely voluntary. No one should be able to put your needs in question but it is 100% up to you in order to secure them.

“It is said that being an individual who can secure their own needs is seen as much more attractive in the case of both sexes.”

It is 100% true and experimental psychology seems to back this. Think about it for a moment. When we are looking for a relationship and not just sex we want someone that is capable of adding to us. We do not want to have to provide for a partner. So it is very easy to see that people who are unable to take of their own needs are perceived to be less attractive AND people who are able to take care of themselves are seen as much more attractive.

“What do you think of the person who seems to have higher order needs met without the lower?”

It is absolutely possible. But one should take note that many many times I see that the longer lower order needs are still needed it sort or unravels the higher level needs. Consider the woman that is of great spiritual strength but cannot find love? Yes she does have an excellent spirituality but it is probable that her spirituality takes hits due to the lack of affection in her life.

“What is my advice?”

My advice is to use Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as a loose framework for which needs to prioritize. There is also the tendency of some to become a work-a-holic in order to avoid love. This is emphasizing a lower level need at the expense of another higher order need. We all have these needs and we are all human. We should ALWAYS- place ourselves in uncomfortable situations in order to grow. This means going on that uncomfortable date, taking up a hard job or coming face to face with their religion to different people.

Always make sure to mix it up as you make yourself a little uncomfortable as you go after your needs. Life is fun and a ride we only have one time. If you feel uncomfortable about taking the next step challenge yourself and you will most often find yourself happy to have grown to have met the need.

With the Greatest of Love, Nicodemus Hilaire

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